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Saddam Hussein

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[13 Jan 2004|11:11pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Am I the only one who just heard about this outrageous behavior? What do you expect though, I am locked away from the outside world. I am shocked, appalled and offended by what I've found. It's true. Saddam Hussein has been morally assaulted by this vile act. You know what I'm talking about.



Okay, first of all, girlfriend needs a cucumber and night cream treatment. If she looks like that, I shudder to think of what is hiding behind her zipper. Secondly, her taste in men.. is just insulting in itself. If I wanted to see "Dumbo" again, I would have asked that obese guard with easy cheese on his lip to bring me the Disney collection from the movie room. If I had my way, she would be publicly executed by Turkish impalement.. wearing those cute little pigtails, of course. And him, well, we would drop him from a cargo airplane and see what happens. Even under my rule in the land of Iraq, we had not such disgusting forms of immorality as performed by this yellow-haired witch. Anullment? More like a-pullmyhairwhiledoingmeinmypuckeredassholeforonenightandthendivorceme-ment. Oy, my aching head. Time to pray to Allah on her behalf. It's true. I am a godly man. I love Allah, but I still make him wear a condom. Ha ha ha. I am adopting this American humor. It is time to bid you goodnight. May you choke on your tongues while in slumber.
68 comments|post comment

[10 Jan 2004|10:52pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I am not dead. That Allah-damned Iraqi, of so little faith, he was. How dare he send my very livelihood among millions without my consent. Why I oughta have him publicly beaten with rocks and then shot, execution style. Yes, YES,

YES!

Ah.. but that is unrealistic now, for I am a doomed man. Yes, I am finally comfortable and situated in an American holding facility. I've felt so naked without my laptop(dude, it was a Dell). I was forced to leave it behind as I put forth every effort possible to escape with my life, and I did. You are all probably wondering just how I am typing to you this evening. Well, in a secret plea bargain for minor luxuries to get me through to my appearance before the international court, they have bestowed upon me, another laptop. As well as a copy of the new Harry Potter book(I love that little guy!) and a bottle of Glo, the new fragrance by J.Lo. "No way in hell," you say? You silly infidels. You don't know this "Uncle Sam" as well as you think. Here is a picture of me being, how you Americans say, orally molested.



I think these people could have been just a little more kind as to not allow photos of me like this be released. Oh well, it could be worse. They could have tied me to the back of a truck and let celebrating Iraqis ride on me, or let them slap my face with their filthy sandals. At any rate, it is time for me to take a mexican shower and go to sleep. You have not heard the last from me, fat fucks.
28 comments|post comment

Final words left on Saddam's Laptop found by an anonymous Iraqi. [21 Mar 2003|04:13pm]


I fear my last moments are upon me. Though, I am confident I have lost the trail of those headhunters for now. To all those who support me, I have one final request. In the name of Saddam Hussein, fight the injustice in the world. I am a victim of hatred and political bullying. But I have had the opportunity to live my life my way and it's been a pleasant one. I know Allah has only the best for me where I am going. And I know you're all dying to know: Yes, I am wearing my sandals.

With these words, I'd like to close by sayi


..
258 comments|post comment

[19 Mar 2003|06:49pm]
Bush's rain of fire has begun.
120 comments|post comment

Possibly my final words. [18 Mar 2003|09:06pm]
Leave Baghdad? I think not! I WAS going to head for the hills, but now that he demanded that I do, I would look like his bitch. So here's how it's gonna go down. He invades Iraq, my sons and I unleash our counter, and I'm lucky, things will go array and America gets a slap on the hand along with the biggest 'I told you so' known to this era. Don't be alarmed if you don't hear from me for a few days, I've got a target on my forehead after all. Duct tape your windows, bitches. This shit's about to get heavy.
132 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2003|01:28pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Oy. My aching head. Things are taking a turn for the worse. Fucking Bush. I figured he'd crumble under pressure, but instead he just keeps going. In fact, he's giving his fellow civilized nations one last day to change their minds. The Frivolous Four: The United States, Great Britain, Spain and Portugal. They have no reason for invading me. If I am such a threat, where is your proof? Why are you not willing to share with the world your knowledge? Because you have none. I won't be suprised if many nations turn out to be pussies and jump on the Frivolous Bandwagon. All those who turn on me will also be punished.

I'm ready for action. My generals have authorization to use any weapons necessary, and I've got my fanny pack. No dictator on the run can be without his Evian and Bengay. While bombs rain over Baghdad, I'll be hiding in a civilian home with my laptop.. chilling. Well, I must make final preperations for the invasion.

DIE AMERICANS, DIE.

82 comments|post comment

Son of a Quiche [12 Mar 2003|02:55am]
All is good for the time being. The vote has been postponed due to disagreements on the resolution specifics. The funny thing is they act as if what it says really matters. But of course you never heard that from me. You all know all I really want is to comply and do what is right.. don't you? :o)

This whole situation is getting old. Although I must applaud mister Blix on keeping my drone on the downlow. He's not so bad.. for a Swede. But you Allah-damned Americans found it in the report anyway. I just sit here and get teary eyed sometimes. Reminiscing on the past 12 years I had to sit here and stock my arsenal, always taking those special times for granted. And now Billy Bob Bush wants to take it all away from me. WHY? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU? Well, you know, aside from trying to assassinate your father. I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I think about my terroristic reign being overthrown. Oh well, it's not going to be as easy as you think it'll be. I'm almost insulted. Almost!

I also have to extend my thanks to President Chirac. He is a man among mice in this world. At the risk of an economic downfall, even. He is truly a man who should be bowed before, second to me of course. I found these pictures of my dear friend, I thought I would share them.



Now that I look more closely.. oh my. Now, now, mister Chirac, I hope that's not a kind of material the missus wouldn't approve of. You've brought enough shame upon your name in America already. Te he.

Well, I must run. This palace has daisy cutter written all over it. Deserts, desserts, and a bloody night bid.
28 comments|post comment

UN Shmu-N [08 Mar 2003|07:40pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Bush is only a hop, skip, and jump away from invading. He has no clue what he's in for. There will be many American military and civilian casualties, I promise this. So anyway, Mexican President Vincente Fox left me a message earlier, mumbling about how I should comply with UN disarmament demands, blah blah blah. Why can't they just get off my back? Hey Vince, do not.. how do those Americans say, player hate. And as for the CIA, yo, you ain't gotta spy to kick it. I was flipping through the TV channels and I picked up on some of your culture through that charming BET network. Word.

One last thing..



Shameful. Hey Khalid, just a word of advice. Go find yourself a barber and tell him you're sick of looking like an asshole.

The next few weeks are going to be trying, but I will try to keep you updated on the injustice you all are trying to force on me. But be prepared for the same.

26 comments|post comment

[04 Mar 2003|02:29am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

It's been quite the busy week. I haven't had any Saddam-time. You know, murdering, baking, gardening, torturing, those kinds of things. Anyway, I've had no choice but to begin destroying my missles. It's almost like running over one of your children with a bulldozer. Not that I would really mind doing that to one of my children, but you get the picture. You may just disregard my attempt at trying to sound human.

Before I get back to destroying as few missles in a day as I can get away with, I noticed something. A few George Bushs have left me notes and I just don't know which is the real one. You mini-twits ought to know the real twit when you see him, yes? Let's try your little democratic game and have a vote. Which is the 'real' George W. Bush?

geedubyashrub
littlebush
george_w_bush

Time to go play 'hide the weenie' from the UN inspectors some more. Tata.

27 comments|post comment

[25 Feb 2003|02:48pm]
Just a quick few notes. It seems Arnold is being brought up a lot lately. I never thought I'd have to explain the link, but I am at that point now. We are not friends. We are not enemies. We are simply acquaintances by a mutual friend. We played one innocent game of Cowboys and Terrorists, I swear. He sent me this signed photo shortly after:



Anyway, onto more important things. Dan Rather and I sat down for a few words and I told him I wanted a debate with the word-clumsy cowboy. Word spreads and of course the White House is going to pat my request on the head and send it away like a one-legged child. As if there aren't enough of them in this damned country already. Well, I have a phone call waiting, I think it's Janeane Garofalo, I better take it. Tata.
37 comments|post comment

[24 Feb 2003|06:48pm]
It looks like things are coming to a head soon, my American pets. Although the United Nations is split, the United States will have it's way no matter what, so either way I'm toast. Or should I say: "Saddam, it's what's for dinner!" ... Tough crowd. Anyways, it looks like I've got around two weeks or so before the bombs and shrapnel flies. Oh but I assure you I will not die. I won't do it. I'll pull an Osama and disappear from public eye for a while, and then make my comeback. Word on the sand dunes is that my sons are also being targeted for assassination. America will be brought to it's knees before I am removed from existance, I assure you.

On a lighter note, I purchased these fab sandals at a local thrift market:



The price was.. let's just say it was a steal. Hehe. I know you want my new lady-killer footwear. I think I am.. how you Americans say, pimp. Well, I must depart. My mothers in law are in town. Nag, nag, nag. "My daughter is in jail because of you!" Boo Hoo. You swear like you've never lost a daughter to jailrape before. When you have a real problem, come back and see me. Yeah, shut up.

Peace and camel fleece.
37 comments|post comment

A Tale of Passion, Seduction, and Michael Jackson [21 Feb 2003|12:24am]
I watched that "Michael Jackson: The Footage You Were Never Meant To See" show on FOX, tonight. Before you say another word, I get American TV Channels only to keep an eye on all of you asinine morons. Not that I don't mind catching a Lifetime Original Movie now and then, but that's completely irrelevant to the point. Other than adding some charming music to a clip of him walking with young children, and making him seem slightly human for a few moments, it did nothing for him.

On another note, why are you concerned with me when you have your very own pillager inside your own gates? In the words of some quaint americans.. get off my nuts, yo. At least I don't have an edible nose. At least I don't force small blonde children to wear veils. At least I have the decency to let children die with their parents. At least I, Saddam Hussein, do not sleep in the same bed with Macauly Culkin. What now? Yeah, shut up.

Well, I've got things to do. Those Allah-damned next door desert kids egged my camels again. Pe@ce out sandniggas.
20 comments|post comment

[19 Feb 2003|01:55am]
I could not sleep, so what better thing do I have to do than write for you curious sideshow carnies? So anyway, things are beginning to look up for me. While you liberal twits are protesting and protecting my interests because you don't want my oh so precious Iraqi civilians to be needlessly murdered, I will only have time to play with my toys. :o) Anyway my many sons will carry on my legacy of murder, rape and torture so it's all good. Bring it on Bush, you cowboy cretin.

Oh yes, look at what my son brought home for me today:



Isn't it great? I'm going to slap it on my tank tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, I need sleep for just that. Until next time, schmucks.
34 comments|post comment

[14 Feb 2003|10:20pm]
Happy Valentine's day, American Infidels. Enjoy it while you can. Anyway, I cannot believe Usama decided to scold me in such a manner on the most recent audio tape. Has he no idea who he is talking about? I am Saddam Hussein! Butcher of Baghdad; Slayer of Civilians, LOVER OF LLAMAS. Wait, scratch that last one. Anyway, onto the matter at hand.

Does your twit President not understand how foolish it would be to attack me without United Nations approval? Come now, surely he won't send your country to it's suicide. Pshh, he swears like I've evaded UN resolutions like 50 times or something. It's only been.. -shuffles through documents-.. 17! Pop a Midol, Bush.

And that Blix.. you know, I invite him into my home for two days and this is how he repays me? He goes crying to the Security Council saying "OOHHH HE'S DOING BETTER BUT BETTER ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH." Please, you can't expect me to give up my murderous ways that quickly. Well I must depart. A few of my wives have stopped by.. you know what that means. -wink-
12 comments|post comment

Fuck Blix [08 Feb 2003|10:43pm]
Okay, this Hans Blix guy is really getting under my skin. Yes, I invited him to talk about things, but that is all he does. Yap Yap Yap. "Oh Mister Hussein, if you don't comply you're going to face sudden and inevitable death!" He's such a.. how do you Americans say.. hater. He just wants me to move from my comfy La-z-boy and flee the country. MY country. I don't think so Mister Blix. You can take your bitchass self on the hell out of here, and don't let the door hit you where the good Allah split you.

On another note, I hear the White House has risen the terror threat level. Bush needs to concentrate on that instead of me. You know, so I can get him in the back before he gets me. Unfair, you say? All's fair in Inspections and War.

Okay, I must get myself some sleep so I can get through another day of Blix. Until next time.
2 comments|post comment

:( [05 Feb 2003|04:08pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Ugh. Colin Powell is really starting to frost my cookies. Obviously those tapes and pictures he brought before the Security Council today were fake. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. Excuse me, I'm getting just a little bit emotional. All I ever wanted was to have some big toys to play with. Is that too much to ask? It's not like I'm going to murder a mass amount of people with them, sheesh. My bubble bath awaits, tata.

6 comments|post comment

[03 Feb 2003|12:44am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Hello all you American heathens. I figure since your nincompoop President is about to attack me unjustly, I more than have the right to loosen my tie and vent. The entire thing is asinine. You know, the whole "let us attack Uncle Saddam because he tried to kill my daddy" thing. Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a river, build and bridge and get over it already. That was 12 years ago, quit dwelling on the past. And what's with Tony Blair? I realize they are starting a coalition and everything but Allahdamnit, could they be any closer to butt buddies? If it's a political imbroglio they want, it's one they'll have. I'd love to sit that Laura on my knee and show her what a choir boy her little cowboy is compared to me. Anyway, I must go, I have a country to dictate in the morning. Until next time.

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